Her eyes red. The truth lead to tears.
From everything she heard.
She begged please, as she wiped her eyes with her sleeve.
The way she feels inside.
Something no one will find.
She wouldn't, couldn't deny.
Her life was coming to an end.
She was left,
hanging by a thread
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My thought at the end of this was "So what?" Essentially, there are always people who feel bad. Why is this person having a unique experience? Why does s/he get a whole poem, and not someone else down the street? By the end, you have the idea of hanging by a thread, but there isn't much that brings the reader there from the first line. In short, there isn't much preceding it, so by the time we get there, it seems almost random.
I think you should reevaluate what you're trying to express with this poem, what purpose you ultimately want it to serve, what idea drives it.
[the literary forums aren't really the place for polls, especially ones that don't really relate to your poem]
This was really good. There was one bit I didn't understand-
I think it should be, The Truth lead to tears,
Because of everything she heard.
I'm not completely sure, but I didn't understand that bit.
I don't think this is emo poetry. And really, what's bad about emo poetry? Anyway, you have a nice piece of writing here.
Yeah I agree with thinky person. Yeah mabey if someone slits there wrists and mopes all day bout nothing and complain you could call them an 'emo' (I have nothing against 'emos', some of my best might be called 'emos' by some).
But seriously, somebody writes a poem with emotion and are imediatly called an 'emo'!?!
I really like your poem, I dont compleatly understand it, but hey, why should we all understand anyway!
Why is it that when anyone shows a bit of a sad emotion they get labelled an "emo"? I'm sick of it! Just because Insomniac's been showing a bit of emotion unlike most people who pretend everything's great (who have nothing bettr to do than label and catergorize people into tired stereotypes) doesn't mean her poem should be disregarded and judged before it's been read.
It's a good poem- short, but nevertheless effective. I don't normally quibble over punctuation but I don't think it's necessary to put a full-stop at the end of every line. Sometimes a semi-colon, colon or comma is more effective.
Good on the whole though, keep it up!
Well, I don't pretend to be any kind of poetry expert, so pardon me if I don't know what I'm saying. xD
)
Anyway, I felt the seeds of something good, but this didn't really move me. I felt kind of bleh the whole way through. I think some of the more experienced poetry critiquers would call this "emo poetry," but let them come before you take me seriously.
(The reason I critique poetry without any real experience is to illustrate how your poem would appear to the uneducated eye. Plus it's points and reviews.
But yeah. There's my two cents, which aren't worth much.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate